The Roads, The Places.

When my brother was little he used to make homes for himself. We had a couch made of pillows and he would take them and fix them with a blanket and hide there with his favourite toys and you could hear him whisper and play.

When I was that age (maybe 5 or 6) my favourite activity was packing. I had a small leather suitcase and I would pack my dolls and clothes in my bedroom; I put on my clothes and then leave. While I was crossing the livingroom my parents would ask me where I was going and I would answer: to Paris, or New York or to my family in Deva. The kitchen used to be the final destination. That age, I couldn’t leave. I had no choice but to exist there with them.

Up to this day, if I cannot leave, I panic.

Up to this day, leaving is my favourite thing.

I love train stations, airports, the subway, cabs, drivers, pilots, and all the machines that take me places. Places I don’t recognize: there’s nothing more beutiful than a street you’ve never been on, with houses you’ve never seen before, inhabited by stragers living their secret lives.

Meanwhile, I am alone. Alone in front of their houses, looking as their shadows move in front of their windows. I will not stay.

This is not sad. 

Perharps someday I’ll stop, but not just now. Now is for chasing trains.

I’m Not In Today.

I’m far away. My toes are buried in the sand. My lungs are full of salty air.

The Ugly Side Of Me

Here are a few things about me that would be better left unspoken – but since I am crossing a time of rebellion I’d like to share them with you.

I don’t like all children.

And I don’t find all babies beautiful. Actually, very few children are pretty in their first months. Then, after 18 months, they start developing a personality, become humans and this is when I start to make my selection. Don’t get me wrong, I behave myself, mostly because sometimes it happened with children of very close friends. But I have favourites. It’s wrong. But I can’t help it.

I don’t like dogs.

Really, not much of an animal lover here. I can’t really see animals past their utility: on a plate, mostly. Still, I can see that pets are funny and they give you a good mood and are good for children to learn about responsability. Dogs are very useful in many ways for the police or blind people. All over the planet animals are part of the echosystem, they are beautiful and wild, and I hate people who abuse and treat them with disrespect - but I don’t love them! I had pets of my own that I cared for but I never cried when they died. And unfortunately, since in this country we are forced to live among many, many stray dogs everywhere and there’s nothing we can do but be careful not to be attacked by some 15-dogs pack out of the blue; and most of all because all the voices that are defending their “right” to be on the street, well… let’s just say I ended up not liking them very much. It’s sad. But I can’t help it.

I don’t love my country.

I live here, I pay my taxes (and don’t get much in return) and what I feel about it is a kind of sorrow like of  having an abusive parent. I loved it, I fought for it, I cried for it and hoped and tried till someday I stopped loving it. I feel sorry – I feel failure. But I am planning to leave forever and I will be that kind of immigrant that never visits his country. I will never hide or deny my origins, that would be stupid, I just haven’t felt, already for a long time, that I belong here - but more likely felt like a misfit. It’s frustrating. But I can’t help it.

I don’t like all my friends.

I know this sounds really weird, but let me explain: I have friends since primary school and this is over 25 years ago. We grew up together, cried, got drunk, fought and made up, we are like family and we have so much background together, I couldn’ live without them; but you see, we developed differently, we are different persons now – allthough I love them, I don’t allways like them. It’s weird. But I can’t help it.

So, would you like to share your own B-sides? Let’s hear it!

My List for 2010

Now, that 2009 is finally coming to an end, it’s time to put down the things I want for the next year. 

As parent, I hope I will continue to be healthy (if anybody is listening, please make it one headache/week, instead of 3!) and teach my daughter everything that I can, I hope I’ll be wise enough to consider all consequences of my actions. She’s the most beautiful girl in the world and so bright and so strong and all I have to do is just… be there for her, and hold her hand, and make sure she knows that I love her. I will always be on your side, Carla!

Profesionally I want my projects to go as planned: to finish the first university year with good results and manage to read the bibliography; to take the seminar and get the first diploma in HR and maybe find a better payed job.  I hope I will be able to find time to focus on my other projects as well.  I will tell you all about them as they progress, I promise!

Personally? I want to keep on taking care of “my temple” and hopefully, by the time I’ll have my vacation in Barcares in September I will look as good as I want. So there will be a lot of workout. Hopefully I will spend time introspecting and studying; hopefully I will spend more time with my friends; hopefully I will find time for myself. And that’s about it, most of the things I want for this year are professional issues.

Secret wishes for 2010:

I want to see Anne. This is the first time in my life when a close friend, „my girl” leaves the country. And it is unexpectedly… painful. Especially since I didn’t know she was leaving for good, but only foar a long holiday; so I didn’t use the time we spent together before she left preparing for this. So Anne, I want to take a long walk with you on Magheru Bvd on a rainy day, shopping for old books while talking about everything and making plans.

I want to see the Christmas Fair in Wien. And go to the theatre and the opera again. And study French. And see you just for a minute.

I wish you all a very good year! May you accomplish all you want, and have no fear, and no sadness!

Chase The Dragons…

Today I payed for the first year at the university I will start attending. Big day, big step.

I felt odd standing there surrounded by young people, so young they could have been my children. They spoke to me in a respectful manner; they offered to call me if they had news and a young man pretended to help me understand how to download materials from the university homepage  – so funny. 

I stood there looking at their faces, in a glimpse I could tell where they come from and most likely I knew where there would end up. I could probably tell what was their IQ, their background  and their becoming. I am talking of course about the predictable becoming – although, usually, this is a straight line.

Growing old and experienced cuts off the surprises and I tell you it’s kind of sad. People must be really sophisticated to keep you interested; they must be really special to make you turn your head in their direction and speak to them and want to be their friend. And this kind of special beings are very few. I am fortunate, I have friends. I have beautiful, wonderful friends. I am so grateful for this!

I recently remebered something that happened when I was a child – I must have been around 6. My parents and I were in a village somewhere, in a visit maybe… across the street from where we were standing I saw tho girls my age, playing. One of them asked me to join them, I went there, she asked me about my grade… “second grade” I said ”and you?” She said “I am repeating first grade, you see, I am slow”.

I remember just as if it happened yesterday, her expression was so natural when she said it, and I took it the same way, and we started to play as if nothing. 

Do you remeber how easy it was to touch other people? Do you remember college parties with alcohol and the lights turned off and dancing on slow music around 3 am and kissing a lot?

Yes, a bit nostalgic today after seeing so many young people at once so here is a special song from when I was.

 

  PS: I am always shocked to see how old this videos (the ones from “my time”) are. 16 years ago!!

The 7 kilos itch

You already know about me leaving a bad habit – cigarettes – behind; I was planning to wait for a whole month before I checked my weight and do something about it if needed; today I got dressed for an important meeting, wanted to wear a skirt I bought only 2 months ago and surprise. 

Seems to me I have to do something earlier before it gets completely out of hand. Don’t get me wrong, and I say this especially for those of you who want to quit smoking someday: since I quit I put only 3 kilos. Unfortunately I was not exactly fit before so you can imagine I am not very happy with my figure.

So a few days ago my friend Diana and I were complaining about it and she came up with the ideea of a challenge: 2 months diet to get rid of the extra weight. Personally I am aiming 7 kilos.  You can follow her experience on her blog, bebelissimo.

I had to think about it a little because I know from experience (unfortunately I have plenty of experience with diets, but this is subject of another post) that the diet might be even harder then quitting smoking.  You see, I can completely quit on cigarettes but I can’t do he same with food (and oh sometimes I wish this was possible).

I knew it will be hard to go from compulsive eating to replace an old habit to strict diet –  so, obviously, I needed a strategy:   The Transition Week.  A short period  of time to give up on sugar and other kinds of unhealthy food, to get used to 3 meals and a snack every day and most of all to stop eating in the evening.

At the end of this week I will probably see some results and my mind and body will be prepared for a more intense program. I will keep you posted on how I decide to continue in order to fulfill my goal: -7kg. Just a hint now: since I am a bit over 30, I will rely more on exercise then on diet. I hope my challenge partner will share her new P90X exercises. I already dusted my old Pilates CDs anyway.

And now let’s get to the juicy part: THE PRIZES!!

As you already guessed, there will be no losers. At the end of the 2 months we will celebrate: a night out with our new figures, new outfits and new confidence boost. We’ll dance, gossip, make plans – girls stuff. The next day we will meet for lunch – I promised to cook something special. Surely we’ll spend a nice afternoon with the kids.  

Stick around here and on bebelissimo to see how the challenge goes!

a bit surprised…

Today, around 16.00 in Unirii Square. I am rushing towards Horoscop Cafe to meet a friend when suddenly a large banner catches my eye:

(picture taken with my mobile while the sun was in wrong position, sorry!)

It reads: MARKETING DIRECTOR SEEKING EMPLOYMENT.

if you take the time to read her website www.hirecarmen.ro you will see she worked for the big boys of FMCG.  So what is going on here?

In this moment, in Romania (at least) the fornetti sales girl/ waitress/ carpenter etc will keep finding jobs whilst the middle and top management will “starve”. Being expensive, many of them lost their jobs. They went looking for another job. Even though they lowered their financial expectations (since they are not unaware of the “situation”) they still can’t find a decent job. There are two main reasons for this: first, when you are coming from a superior level (bigger company, star management, etc) you make the lower levels feel, well… unconfortable.  This should be a case of “so what? she/he will do a great job for less money, it’a a good time to take advantage of  the situation and have a specialist on my team”… but no-no-no! In Europe the new HR trends moved to “emotional intelligence” “the confort of the team” etc. Nevermind that the specialist could do the work of the whole team in half the time assigned for a certain project, if the team feels overshadowed by the new colleague… not good.  I believe this is a form o socialism. I hate it.

The second reason is more legitimate. They are affraid that the moment you will get a better offer you will leave. And this is probably true – but again, why won’t they suck the best of you and take the company to the next level in a short while? Why do most employers need to see the employee comitted for years?   

Why take the confortable way?

I lost my cigarettes…

 

… 11 days ago.   Yes, it’s true!

Ladies reading this article will sure understand what I mean, since all of us experimented  the “feel the purse” torment.  Remember how you stomach squeezes when for an instant you have the impression that you lost your purse? OK, guys can feel this about their phone I suppose.

This is exactly how I feel – for many years I left home and had on me permanently 5 items: keys, money, ID, phone, cigarettes.  From time to time now, while I walk on the street or everytime a “smoking time” occurs, I touch my pockets (or open my purse) and for a dreadful moment I notice that I forgot/lost my cigarettes.  And then I remember:

I QUIT.

Heard many times ex-smokers saying things like : “decided to stop and stopped with no effort” “was never nervous” or “never gained a pound” and of course finally “it’s just a matter of will”

I haven’t decided yet if maybe they were not really addicted to nicotine or they serve us blsht.

I started to think about it like two weeks before. Gave it a little thought every now and then. To my help, few days before cigarettes became a little more expensive, enough to be ennoyed by the calculation (yes, you know, how much I spend per month, per year, how many pairs of shoes would I have bought… )

So one evening I noticed that the cigarettes left in my pack were just about enough for that evening. So I decided to quit the next day. All the while I thought about my reasons to do it:

 

1. It stinks. Yes, this habit smells bad! My hair, my clothes, my hands, my kitchen, my office they all smell bad. I am sure many times my breath was not so fresh. Horrible.

2. My health. No need to insist here, we all know. I plan to live for another (at least) 20 years to see my daughter a grown-up.

3. The money. I can afford it, always could and always will but I know it’s a waste. I could put them in a savings account for my toddler, spend it on books or whatever.  I don’t like the ideea of spending them on something that ruins my health.

4. My daughter. I hate the fact that sometimes she sees me smoking, she smells me and may associate the smell of cigarettes with me and mother affection.

5. Addiction. Comes a time when you find it difficult to live with yourself knowing you are addicted to a substance.

6. All the other reasons. Like the fact that the opinion about smokers moved from “cool” (20 years ago) to “loser”. Even my opinion. To avoid the suffering when I cannot smoke for many hours (when I travel – I remember once I was in Rome between flights, couldn’t leave the airport, omg)

 

Once I decided, smoked the last cigarette and went to bed. Woke up the next morning and since then – no cigarette. So how bad was it?

Day 1 I was in shock. Felt pretty good till the afternoon when I started to have some breathing problems. I felt my lungs very heavy. Went to bed early because I felt extremely tired.

Days 2 to 5 I was as sick as a dog. Short breath, headache, couldn’t concentrate and was very angry.   Very tired in the evening, fell asleep early.

Days 6 to 11 I started to feel better, felt less need to smoke, less tired, less nervous. The nightmare is over.

 

Already I can report 2 benefits from quitting smoking:

1. I need less sleep, I wake up earlier and I am immediately fresh. I don’t need coffee, I don’t need that half hour I used to take to start my mind. It is extraordinary. Ever since I can remember, the first two hours of my every day were empty since I was good for nothing. Now I can start working in 5 minutes.

2. I have so much time now! I can’t imagine how much time I used to spend smoking every day – but it was obviously a lot. Now I have time for a lot of things, I finish all my tasks and afterwards I have the energy to think about other and other useful (or fun) things I can do! Again, it’s amazing!

 

But what is not so good?  

1. I eat more than usual and I expect to gain a few kilos after a month. To overcome eating, especially in the evening, I started to needle – I am making a nice swether for my daughter. I know this will not work for everybody – what would I do instead? Play cards or rummy or even computer games, take walks.

2. Sometimes I am nervous. But very very little. When this happens, I must be careful on the money I spend. I tend to praise myself with rewards (others then the ones planned).

Rewards: yes they are very usefull, but stick to what you have planned. After all, it’s a matter of will. My rewards were as follows: at the end of the first day, at the end of ten days and I will have another one at the end of the first month. They were rather useless but pretty things I wanted for a long time. They were not expensive.

Another piece of advice: It is important to let people around you (home, at work) know about your plan to quit smoking. Prepare some materials about the effects it might have in the first weeks for people close to you.  Appologise after you started shouting for no reason (should that happen). Most people will understand.

They say in 3 weeks my body will be completely free from nicotine. I feel so good about this – you can’t imagine.  I smoked 30 cigarettes every day for 19 years.

I feel that, if I could do this, I can do ANYTHING. If you are a heavy smoker like I am, maybe you tried to quit before and failed and almost thought it is impossible, I promise you the feeling you will get is fantastic.

It only costs a few days. And some sweat. But what doesn’t?